What Type Of Ship Is This?

Today I spent time with some spoken word artists 

So, I thought let me drop some fire

Ok.... 

That's not necessarily true

Kinda but

Not necessarily

I will say this though

I have been nauseous all week

I remember thinking earlier this week

What is this?

Where is it coming from?

But I let it go for several days

Then yesterday came

It felt like I was on a ship

OMG!!!!!

I couldn't move without feeling sick

Then I couldn't sleep

Whatever was bothering me

I just wanted to throw it up and get it out.

Here's the thing

It wasn't food related

I realized that today 

because I became frantic

I'm texting my girlfriends 

I need help!

I'm sick for no reason.

One told me to pray.

Another told me to connect the dots

I was unraveling

It was bad

Therapy is next week but 

I needed a right now intervention

So I began to write 

to examine all of my previous relationships

Then

I saw a pattern

That

I'd never notice before

that existed with every relationship 

Out of nowhere a flood of tears

And a true cry ensued

that forced out the nausea that 

had consumed me

A friendship 

was causing

unhealed roots to surface

&

It came in the form of nausea

That for days 

Took over my life

Friendship?

A quiet voice echos 

the sentiments of several girlfriends

Is this a friendship?

Like, are you sure?

Cause

Ummmmm

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

but 

Today I exclaimed.

I don't know what this ship is!

Friendship

Relationship

Partnership

Fellowship

Old Ship of Zion

I just don't know

In therapy I've learned

that when my foundation begins to tremble

I have to address

the issue

So

I came up with

a self-care plan

Cause

now I'm self-aware

that my foundation 

needs tending to

I breathe

I see things that I imagine

I feel like the waves

are trying to stabilize 

then through the smoke

I receive a 1Cor13 message

but

This can't be

used so loosely

Not right now

Not ever

How do you get to say that right now?

The more I ponder the idea of 

What is this ship?

I realize that time

&

space have forced

me 

to 

deal

with the roots of the ships

before

The ships that

left

abandoned

disregarded

took for granted

&

hurt

long before this ship

even showed up

I thought

 I was 

ok

I thought 

I was 

good

with the ships that had passed

only to realize

they may have passed 

but they were never checked

They were never told

You can't treat

me just 

anyway 

anymore

You can't test my

patience

cause

I'm high maintenance 

I never knew

to tell them

until

this

ship 

showed 

up

Now 

I don't want to 

play no games

play no games

I'm tired of 

the same old thing