So, it's been 7 weeks and 1 day. How do I know that? I just do and today is my birthday eve so I have all kinds of thoughts and emotions. Back in February 2009 a relationship ended that broke my heart, left me sad and hating snow days. If I were real honest he and I shouldn't have been together then. I was separated and nearing divorce and he had stuff going on. We tried. It didn't work.
When it ended it was like "ugh" another failed relationship. So for the past 7 years I've focused on my sons, ministry, work, you name it and I was doing it. I was busy. When I wasn't busy, I was sleepy because.... Well, I was busy.
Honestly, I remember the weekend leading up to him reappearing. I had made a candle of hydrangea, lavender and chamomile. On that Sunday I lit it and said, "He would love this candle." I'm so serious when I say that the very next day I heard from him.
What I believed to be that moment of openness and forgiveness quickly moved to the cover being removed off a hurt that I had carried and masked as being ok. I had to face myself and say honestly, "You've never healed." It still hurts. Now I was becoming not myself. It felt like my perfect ball of yarn had become unraveled. My truth about yarn is that I buy it and 1 of 2 people put it in a neat ball for me because I don't know how. Boy! Was this now more evident as I tried to maintain. I couldn't put the yarn back into a ball.
I became frustrated, sad, and angry. I called on my friend Lauren, who is always a beacon of light. I called on God because now isn't a good time for dude to show up. As gentle as God is, He softly said, "I knew he would come. You have to deal with it because you never really have."
My friend and I have had hard conversations and I mean hard. One day he repeated to me things I said to him or I did while we were together. I never voiced it but I thought, "Did I say that?" I'd always shared what he did or said. I had to be honest with self, yet again, I seldom revealed my hand in this. This is not to defend him but to disclose that I wasn't perfect in that relationship. To top it off one Sunday, Quiera came all the way from Atlanta to tell me through a sermon that sometimes it's not everyone else, sometimes it's you. "Who?" Smh. Yeah, it's time for me to self reflect.
About 19 years ago I met him. He had me at hello. Our friendship survived downsizing, Katrina and failed relationships on both ends. We'd always had each other's backs until we became a couple. We were so used to always going to each other when crisis hit that we had no idea how to be out of crisis and at peace with each other.
When I lit that beautifully scented candle I had not idea that at the thought of him, he would appear. Just maybe this will foster healing for both of us so that we can move forward. I know one thing for sure and two things for certain being unraveled is for the birds. I need to learn how to patiently put this yarn back into a ball.
*written 11.15.16 #mybirthdayeve