Sitting On The Passenger Side

I'm sitting at my desk yesterday and I could spit nails. It all started with one of my girlfriends sending me the small straws in the soft wind for the day. It spoke of having a solid building and a good foundation but the inside is messed up from being ravaged by storms and it needed to be remodeled on the inside.  

I'm mad at her faithfulness of sending these emails. Every morning? Every morning! What has me a bit on edge is a recent encounter. Ok. Ok. It was the day before. I met up with a friend after deciding to say "Yes" to meeting with him. He had asked twice but I have a lot of "No's" in my spirit. If you read this please forgive me. It's not personal rather internal. 

So we met up and had a really nice conversation. I haven't seen him in years and it was really cool. He's always been so cute to me. It was nice to see him in person, distinguished gray hair and all. He's such an intellectual and very open. We chatted it up for a while. I wasn't as standoffish as I thought I would be. He doesn't know this, I guess he will now, but I was nervous about seeing him. I was even tempted to provide a disclaimer prior to meeting. I'm a pro at throwing up security walls. 

Commenting and inboxing on social media is one thing for me. Direct communication with others, especially men, not in my direct circle is very rare for me. Even if you know me a little bit. It's complicated. 

Now when the conversation is over I'm like "Yay! I did it." After reading my friend's email I'm like "No, you didn't. He shared with you openly things he didn't necessarily have to." I was surface. I was safe. After reading the email again on rebuilding and restoring I heard the voice of my friend I met with. That voice said, "Who do you trust to share your brokenness with?"

That's where my "I could spit nails" moment came into play. On the surface I'm good but it took an email and a childhood friend to shake me up about what's going on within me. In that same conversation he and I discussed why I don't mind my son driving my vehicle so much. It's because I want to sit more where my friend shared his life with me. On the passenger side. 

There are days that I want to take the cape off. I wasn't created to be Superwoman. Rather just a woman. Sigh.......

I saw a house that had been ravaged by storms.  The outside structure was still intact and the foundation was firm, but the inside of the house needed to be completely restored.  I then saw builders come in and tear out all that had been damaged and construct a new and better interior.  It was beautiful and so much better than what had been destroyed.  And, the Lord said:  There has been much chaos and destruction that has challenged your very existence in some cases.  But, I have allowed this for the sake of establishing strength and order in every area of your life. 


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