All I Could Be, Is Who I Am

*Written on January 31, 2021 Edited and Published Today 

It's been such a long time since I sat down and wrote something out. I've been so busy being creative, creating content and building my brand that I now realize that I have not set aside time to get my thoughts out or share what is going on with Arlinda. 

Let me preference this by saying that I need to get this out. No, I have to get this out. 

So, I have been divorced since 2008. The marriage ended in 2007. I have been in some situationships that resulted in broken and shattered hearts, In 2017 I decided to do things God's way and abstain from physical relationships. That means, no entanglements for me. 

During this time I began to pray for God to take away the desire to be in a relationship. I didn't even want the attraction stuff. I didn't want to think that a guy was attractive or that he was a possibility to date. My thought process was that if I didn't have the feelings then I wouldn't have to deal with whether or not it would work out. I've been praying this way for years. If you asked me if I wanted a husband or a contemporary home, I'm going for the home for $200 Alex. lol 

As my luck would have it, I met a man. Chilllleee!!!!! Listen now! Before we go any further, this situation panned out to absolutely nothing. lol 

I officially met him in December, we had a conversation in January and by mid January it was a complete wrap. This guy checked off all of my initial boxes. He's tall, dark, handsome, saved, creative, he works out and eats similar to how I sometimes eat, most of the time anyway, and he is the nicest person. One evening we had the best conversation. I'm laughing and blushing the entire time. 

Several days later the conversation took a turn and I had no idea what to do. So, what did Arlinda do? She reacted in defense. I couldn't get out of that defensive mode. My defenses was up like a DJ Khalid song. It stayed there. I didn't want to be perceived a certain way by him. I wanted to control the narrative because that's what I needed. Letting go of being in control is hard for me. That moment didn't need me to control it and he said to me several time to let it flow. 

I just couldn't.

I remember him trying to have a conversation with me about what I was thinking and how I was feeling. By then I had shut all the way down and in my mind I said, "Oh, forget this!" 

I've been through my share of bad relationships and I think for the past, nearly four years I have been working through some stuff with myself and apparently I have a way to go. 

I am being kind and gentle with myself. I know that instead of working on the issue I had with this guy in that moment all I could be, is who I am.

Guarded.

Closed Off. 

Not trying to hear it. 

Maybe I should just focus on my dream home because the idea of meeting and getting to know a guy concept? That's not working well for me.