The Hardest Most Necessary Conversation

Transparent Moment:

I met an amazingly handsome and intelligent man about six years ago. We both have worked hard on our friendship. We try to see each other's side and come a little closer to a happy medium. Every time we get to the middle, the friendship falls apart. We generally fall apart around Fall and rekindle around Spring. I don't know what it is but around Fall we have a disagreement and I shut down. By Spring he reappears, always trying to make things better. 

Recently I went to counseling, remember this is transparent. He came up in a session and what came out of that session was like an "aha moment". He's well educated, professional, well dressed, speaks different languages and he takes care of his children. Which is a stark contrast to men I'm used to dating.

Yet, she also referred to him as my old comfortable shoe. He's always there whenever you want to be around him. Then she went on to assist me in seeing how he was so different than any man that I dated but he had one thing in common with them. He wasn't emotionally available for me. 

I saw passed that because he was super intelligent and for once I didn't have to dumb myself down in our conversations. He told me that he was attractive to my intellect and that I was pretty to him. He saw who I am but he didn't have time to commit. He didn't have the desire to commit but had he met me 20 years ago things would have been different. 

In one of my sessions my therapist challenged me to be completely alone for awhile and see what happens. I did just that since September. Last week we saw each other after months of no communication and I said what I needed to say. More for myself than for him. I'm worth more and I deserve more. He wanted to know why  things can't stay the same and we see what happens. Dude, it's been six years, if it hasn't happened by now.... 

I sat there looking at his handsome and distinguished self all giddy and stuff and I asked him to do something for me. It wasn't hard either, I simply asked that he not text or call me to let me know that he wanted to see me. He looked at me with those beautiful golden eyes and simply said, "Ok, I won't."

The next day I spoke to a pastor that mentors me. He shared that we had talked about this man for years but he felt that this time I was over it, I was released from it. 

It's hard to let go of what's comfortable but it's oh, so necessary.