The Inadequacy of Self

Sunday I tossed and turned. Went from pillow to pillow. From the head of the bed to the foot. From being covered in a blanket to just laying in my night clothes. God said to me, "Ok, Arlinda that's enough. Get up." I sat up on the side of my bed attentive to what God had to say.

"Arlinda you have to write. Here's your title. The Inadequacy of Self" With that information given to me I fell right and I mean right to sleep. I woke up to schools closed and Quiera speaking for Morning Manna.

Yes, God had my attention. I wasn't purposefully crying out to God. I wanted to figure it out on my own. But God....

When I was a little girl I was doted on. I had cute frilly dresses from Polly Flinders with matching tights and sandals from Sears or Bakers. My parents made sure I was well read. We had dictionaries, encyclopedias, every major African American magazine and books galore. I attended good schools from elementary to high school. I'm degreed twice. I teach. I have a good relationship with God. I birthed wonderful sons. Heck, I have a son on a collegiate scholarship and one is an elementary Honor Roll student. I just self published my second book. I am pretty together, on paper.

But put me in a room of my peers, I'm not good enough in my mind. I'm too tall, overweight, not cute enough. I'm not adequate. I don't measure up. This is how I fell asleep Sunday night.

Imagine being a whole lot of incredible things but feeling low in comparison to others. Though I didn't ask for God's assistance He showed up anyway. He didn't give me a way out. He simply gave me a title and told me to write. Why was I able to fall straight asleep and that feeling leave me? My God knew that His answer would come to me in my own words. That he had equipped me to move from that moment. 

Later that night I watched Dr. Juanita Bynum at Empowerment Temple. Her scripture for the service was Song of Solomon 5:2 AKJV

I sleep, but my heart wakes: it is the voice of my beloved that knocks, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night.

Dr. Bynum defined sleep in this text as a loss of identity. The heart being awake represents that even with the loss of identity I still seek God. 

I was sleep. My heart was awake. God spoke peace to my heart. He spoke to that restlessness. I woke renewed, refreshed. Quiera confirmed it. Dr. Bynum confirmed it. The inadequacy of self was me feeling bad about me, about me comparing myself to others. That's not of God. It shouldn't be of me. 

If I just go back to paragraph 4 and reread I'd know that not only am I fine but I always have been. We don't need the enemy to tear us apart we can self-destruct all by ourselves. 

I was asleep but my heart was awake. 

I wrote this piece on 1.28.14 and I've held on to it always saying I'm going to get to it. Two things prompted me to finally blog it. One I found a picture of me when I was a little girl that simply takes me back to that little girl in her frilly clothes and two on Friday Quiera had a group of women complete a thirty second piece to speak about themselves. I've come a long way from that cold winter day. For that God gets glory.

And thanks to Quiera who unknowingly blesses me to be able to see the me that exists but I have refused to acknowlege previously. 

I know my mother is probably reading this. Possibly in tears. I can honestly say that everything that I am and will every be she always knew that it existed. I love you mommy.